please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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