I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
