he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
