I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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