Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i out mim tonsoeep
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
