the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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