3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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