He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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