A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
