I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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