it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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