Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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