shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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