It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
