I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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