He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Drunk is not a location!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
