My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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