I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
