90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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