I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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