This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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