I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize