I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
