Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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