Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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