i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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