I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize