Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
