What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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