Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
