dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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