I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
