dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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