I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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