you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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