Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
