Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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