Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
