then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
