I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
