I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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