i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
