my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
