All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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