I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize