False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I need a beard to bite.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
