I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
