Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
