i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize