they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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