i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
