If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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