Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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