i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
