When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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