i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i came on her dog
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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