my mouth tastes like poor choices
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
