my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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