i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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