I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
