I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
