Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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