i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
