I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm bleeding and have questions
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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