i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
