New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
