In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
