and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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