I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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