A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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